I do!

Everyone tends to find their identity. Some try to make it themselves.
I am one of the ones who find, or at least try to find. It's a part of learning, it's a never ending process.

I was born in a Christian family. That is one identity.
Yet, being born as a Christian does not make you automatically a real Christian.
It is just one small step ahead that does not belong to everyone.
Some people believe you are lucky if you are in such condition.

There are cases where people were born and raised in a non-Christian family who then chose to become a Christian. I met some of them and I felt both lucky and awful.
Lucky because I have been a Christian since I was born.
Awful because I have never tried so hard to become a real Christian.
A real Christian here does not mean that you have to put something looks Christian like a cross necklace around your neck, or always says something based on the Bible verse to everyone so that people will automatically know that you are Christian.

It is too narrow.

Being a real Christian is something more than that.
It is something more personal.
It is about way of life.
More of that, it is about never-ending process of building a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, whom Christians believe by faith as their God and Savior.

God has given me 22 years.
People outside may assume that I have lived a wonderful life!
Yes, it is!
Yet, my journey as a Christian is not as smooth as it seemed.
There are ups and downs.

There was a time when I stopped going to church because of bitterness.
There were times when I thought nobody wants me as if nothing would change if I died.
There were times when I thought that even God did not care of me.
There were times when I felt that I was born into a wrong family.
There were times when I felt God let me fall.
There were times when I felt God was not exist and there were times when I believed God exists only because I got what I wanted.

I think those can happen because I am human.
Humans make mistakes.

Those were times when I did not become a real Christian.
Those were times when I let evil controls me, my mind, my body.
Those were times when I did not make God as the center of my life.
At those times, Christian was just a label.

Deep in my heart, I knew something was wrong.
It was me.
I did not try hard to find the true meaning of being a Christian.

I thought I have tried to be a real Christian but many times I failed.
How could it be?
Once again, it happened because I did not try hard.
I did not really try.
I just tried and gave up when trouble came.
I made mistakes when I could not reject the temptations came.

I fell. Once.
I asked God to forgive me.
He forgave me.
I fell again.
I asked God to forgive me again.
He forgave me again.
I fell again and again.
I asked God to forgive me again and again.
He forgave me again and again.
How many more times He can forgive me?
This was stupid and embarrassing.
I could not accept this.
I felt that I did not deserve His love.
His love is too big.
Besides, I was too tired to always be in His way.
It was hard.
It was difficult.

Yet, I am grateful He was never tired with me.
He never leaves me.
It is always me who runaway.
It is always me who hide.
It is always me who gave up.

This year's Passover has different meaning for me.
22 years is enough.
I felt as if I were in ground zero.
I would like to get up.

This time, I would like to try again, but much harder.
I realize it will not always be easy for me to always be with Him, but He will always be with me as He promises.
He will always forgive my mistakes, as He already redeemed me once for all.
His love will never change.
He will stay the same.
He always give me new chances.

Now, it depends on me.
I decide to use my chance.
I decide to know Him more.
I decide to try harder.

It is more than enough to know that He sacrificed His life for me.
Now, it's my turn to sacrifice myself to please Him.


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Being a Christian is a journey.
It is a journey together with Him.
Sometimes we are blind and we let it be!
Sometimes we do not hear Him and we let it be!
We then may think that we are alone.
But we are not!
We are in one ship with Him.

Being a Christian is knowing the One who accompanies you in the journey.
Being a Christian is believing in Him, the One who leads the journey.
Being a Christian is keeping faith in Him that He will bring you safely until the end despite the strong wind, big waves, and scary storm.
In the end, being a Christian is having a personal relationship with Him.

God asks (again), "Do you still want to sail again together with Me?"
This time for sure, "I do!"

Easter, April 2012